The Sarcastic Salarian (Emon Spiza)

Spiza contemplates his actions. Image by Armax_Hammer.

Emon Spiza
Date of Birth
Bartender, Relief worker (formberly VI Engineer), Chew Toy
Confidential Occupation
STG Agent
Marital Status
1 Child (Female, presumably deceased)
Emon Isselle II, Emon Rupo, Licia (presumed deceased), Harrad Illum, The Life Egregious Cast, Clint van Wallach, Sirinic Scaramanji, , Lokkor, The Dynasty Maker S2 Contestant Cast
Aphin Protretho, Mekan of Omega, STG
Character Status

This is for the second character to take the mantle of "The_Sarcastic_Salarian." For the previous holder, see Aphin Protretho.

Citadel Ward Kithoi Edroki Emon Spiza, usually referred to by his last two names or his handle Delicious Chew Toy, is a bitter, thoroughly sarcastic salarian currently living in the Citadel’s Kithoi Ward. Originally a classically-trained VI engineer, a series of incidents has run him through a gauntlet of occupations over the years, eventually resulting in his absorption into the Salarian Special Tasks Group. By day, he serves drinks as bartender and gatekeeper for Aphin’s Place. By night, he works as an analyst for, and does field work for, the STG.

Physical Description

Spiza is not the Adonis of his species. Topping out at a meager five foot four, he’s short by human standards, let alone salarians. Tinged with dark blue skin and gray eyes, the right side of Spiza’s face is considerably more wrinkled than the left, the result of a permanent facial tic brought on by the same incident that bought him three years’ worth of indentured service on Illium.


Spiza with his ill-fated future offspring.

Spiza is fairly lithe and well-toned; ask him about it, and you’ll hear him mutter about liking being in shape after Dynasty Maker; in reality, however, it’s part of a strict STG regimen to keep him in fighting condition.

As can be expected of most dedicated VI engineers, Spiza has “gone gloveless.”


Emon Spiza has lived a hard life filled with irony. A son of a clan with Luddite tendencies, he became a tech specialist. Coming to Illium for a six-figure job, he was trapped in its indentured service bureau for years. A weedy, bookish alien, he finds himself fighting YMIR mechs, krogan, and STG investigators, all the way up to Cerberus Commandos and Reaper husks on a regular basis. An outspoken jerk, he is one of perhaps two members of the entirety of CDN to hide his membership in at two clandestine agencies and at least three top-secret projects.

He is a renaissance man – a reader, a writer, a critic, a technician, a holo-star, a warrior, a musician and a secret agent – and he is thoroughly miserable because of it. He has never been anything but someone else’s pawn, whether by corporate masters, crazed raloi, eldritch abominations, corrupt HV executives, by the STG…or by his family. He lives eternally in Aphin Protretho's shadow. He knows no rest – even during the Final Battle for Earth, he found himself drafted into the STG itself – and now, years later, he still struggles to make ends meet.

Spizasaphin copy

Spiza's normal temperament.


Spiza’s attitude has changed wildly over his tenure at Cerberus Daily News. Once a simple, terse-talking engineer, he has truly earned the moniker of “The Sarcastic Salarian.” Always irritable and caustic, he’s the first to mock the latest Hamfisted Villain Or Moral Conundrum of the Week, and oftentimes cannot understand how people will mindlessly ignore half the debate. Spiza is also a staunch Unionist – and while he will happily agree that Linron needs to release her hold on power, he will also mercilessly mock anyone who thinks that completely curing the Genophage was a good idea, and considers the Salarian Democratic Union to be a pack of lunatics.

Spiza is, however, incredibly bitter about his role as everyone else’s lapdog. Having lost several of his friends over the past years (including his the co-owner of Aphin’s Place and his own daughter), he is a brittle, shut-in alcoholic who wears his grief like an albatross around his neck. This is often manifest through him either hearing the voice of someone narrating his misadventures, or (more recently), experiencing hallucinations of the late Jak’Gathi Nar Thundercats. Thus, while he gleefully dances circles around self-entitled asshats and occasionally does something badass for the Union, he remains one extraordinarily bad day from completely losing his mind.

Seated with his past life’s skill set, Spiza is a minor tech wizard when it comes to combat programming; he specializes in usurping cyberdefenses for himself. He uses the Cipher line of omnitools as a personal preference, finding Serrice cyberware to be bloated and overdeveloped. He is also an amateur botanist and an avid fan of Wet Skin, and can play a fairly mean guitar solo (if given a week or three to practice).


Uncle Spiza's Cabin: An unpleasant surprise for Spiza, as his young nephew arrives on the Citadel.

This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things: Spiza asserts his authority.

Sports Metaphors and Subterfuge: Spiza receives a visit from Aphin's nephew.

Oops: Rupo accidentally discovers the back room at Aphin's Place.

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